Single Mums…I hear you!

2 bowls, 2 spoons, rice bubbles, milk and the sugar bowl.

The house is calm, my girls are sound asleep and music is playing in the back-ground. Here I am standing in the kitchen, not moving, just contemplating my life as a single mum and reflecting on my quickly growing girls.

My girls are 9 and 6 years old and they are the loves of my life. However, every so often I find myself questioning how I am meant to do it all and whether I am enough?

In an age where we are constantly competing with technology, conflicting parenting guides and multi-tasking, HOW do you even be a ‘good’ mum? In fact, what IS a good mum?

This was my thought process as I put out the cereal bowls for the next morning.  I’m sure you’re thinking that is too deep for 10pm; who has the time to even consider this and who gets bowls out the night before? I can hear the giggles now!  My hand is up though; I’m ‘that’ type of mum!

I wasn’t always ‘that’ mum though. Years ago, as a married woman, my world was very different and so was the mum inside me. Leaving my marriage was the hardest thing I have done in my life, it was also the best thing for me and my girls. You see, when a safe, happy and fruitful environment becomes impossible, there is no choice left but to go.

I left my marriage and all that made me feel secure and I wondered, how can I be enough when inside I feel like only half a person? At least when I was married, I had a second pair of ears to hear the arguments, a second pair of eyes to see who hit who and someone to vent to at the end of the day when there had been too many emotions in the house. The question now is, how am I enough, when I constantly juggle life, work and motherhood in what seems like a constant whirlwind…. alone?

Questions plague me daily. Sitting on my little girls’ bed as her hand grips mine, I ask myself, how can I be enough? How can this single mum, torn apart inside, be all that these two girls need?  When my little girl whispers, “Mumma I’m scared!” I wonder, “How do I protect her?”  When I watch my big girl swim through the water like a dolphin, trying harder and harder to learn a technique, I sit there and question, do I need to try harder too? Watching her navigate friendships and learning to live in two different homes, I wonder, “How can I help her?”

When my girls have so many questions that need answers yesterday, I ask myself, “Can I do this, am I enough?”

 It is years later, staring at my humble blue cereal bowl, that I have fresh insight. I understand what ‘enough’ is and I am incredibly thankful and eager to share this recipe with you.  Here we go!

Recipe: I am enough

1. The Cereal Bowl:

Meet my blue cereal bowl. It was bought from K-mart a few years ago, it’s a bit faded and tired, much like me. There is a small chip on the rim and cracks are beginning to form. Upon closer inspection however, although chipped, faded and cracked, the bowl still holds everything together. Meditating on that simple fact, I was reminded that as mums we are the glue that holds families together, we are ‘on’ all the time. Reflecting on my own journey of ‘holding things together’ I recalled my role as ‘the nest.’  Since they were little girls, my babes have loved to curl up with me while we watch TV. While I lay on the couch with my legs curled behind me, my girls slowly wiggle into my curled-up legs and plant themselves in what is now called ‘the nest.’ The nest has provided comfort and assurance. Like the blue cereal bowl and the nest - Mothers hold everything together.

2. The Spoon:

Stir, stir, stir… the spoon represents the mechanics of the breakfast set-up, combining all

the ingredients. The more I reflected on this, the more I realised mothers are like spoons!

Each morning I keep my eye on the time and offer reminders, - sometimes loud reminders

- that it’s nearly time to go. “Brush your teeth!” “Get your shoes on!” “We are leaving the house in 5 minutes!” Other times I am a referee or remembering whose turn it may be.  Mothers keep the home moving. No matter how good or bad you may feel in this role, we all do it.  We are all spoons, stirring and smoothing the life moments in our children’s lives. 

3. The Rice Bubbles:

Snap, Crackle, Pop! That’s the Rice Bubbles slogan and I love it. Motherhood is much the same; it’s not smooth sailing, its full of cracks in the road, pops of surprise and snap decisions. Its full of things that didn’t go to plan, changes in schedules, illnesses, kids with different personalities, making mistakes, broken dreams, learning and facing the unknown. Within all the trials, however, are pops of laughter, snaps of joy and smiles that crack open a cloudy day, filling it with hope and sunshine.  Motherhood is FULL of snap, crackle, and pop!

4. Milk:

Pouring milk into the bowl, I was reflecting on its role in the body. Milk strengthens the bones and has a calming effect. Motherhood is much the same. Just as you provide a nest, you also soothe the scraped knee, confused thoughts and broken hearts. Not only do we calm the fear and dry the tears, we strengthen our children and teach them resilience, holding their hands along the way.  Like milk, motherhood lines our children’s heart with love and helps them to be strong when they are afraid. 

5. The Sugar Bowl:

Sugar represents celebrating. Sugar brings sweetness and some may say flavour. As a mother, bringing sweetness, flavour and joy is probably one of my favourite roles. I love celebrating life moments, birthdays, milestones, new achievements (such as moving up to a new level in readers!), I even celebrate the weekend with movie nights. We also acknowledge speaking our truth.  Adding sweet moments into each day became especially important when life got hard and then harder. It became important to teach my girls that life is not always easy and that there is always something to be grateful for; there is always a reason to add some sugar! My big girl may also add some sass!

Yes, these were the thoughts roaming through my mind at 10pm as I set up for breakfast the next day. In that moment of contemplation, I was very proud to be a mother and thankful that even the smallest of actions make a difference.  I understood that giving ourselves a break from having it ‘all together’ is the great-est oxygen maker in the world. We can breathe and learn to live with our children in each moment, rather than their schedules.

Single mamas out there, hold on. Not many will see your battle, not many will understand how this came to be. There will be oodles of opinions and comments, some judgment and pain. However, as part of you falls, another part slowly grows.  You begin to remember who you are, who you were born to be.  You may start out wondering how you can be enough, but in the end you will see that you are already enough and more.

You are everything, from the bowl to the spoon, the milk to the sugar, and all the pops of Love and Joy wrapped in between.

 At Next Door Counselling we support all of you.  We know firsthand that motherhood is not easy and reaching our for ‘help’ is hard.  If you need so chat to someone who can hold space for you as you navigate this journey of Motherhood- reach out today.  

By Hannah Gordon

Published in “A Mothers Journal” 2020.